Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
