Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
