i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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