The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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