it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
