You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
