Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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