I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Oh god it's open bar.
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