And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
