I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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