i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
