Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
