3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
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