By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
