C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
