one word: firstdatebathroomanal
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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