got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
