I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
