he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
