1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
