i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
