Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
