FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
