My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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