So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We were destined to go to rehab together
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Randomize
