you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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