just tell him i said nine months
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
