where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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