At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
