help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
