they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
