i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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