At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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