I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
