Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
