i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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