btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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