I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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