I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
