I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
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