Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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