seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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