Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
