So drunk its hurt
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
