you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
