Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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