evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
that may or may not have been my penis.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
