You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
