I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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