It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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