Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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