Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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